Well, it has been another couple of busy old weeks, here at the International Headquarters of Shaking not Stirred, so please forgive me for last week’s lapse. Top of the highlights was our Pearl (30 years) Wedding Anniversary, on Monday 16th September. It does not seem like thirty years, more like five, but I suppose that is the sign of a healthy marriage. Nic and I would like to say thank you to everyone for the cards, flowers and gifts. We were very touched by the kind words and congratulations we received. We have now had Parkinson’s as the third party in our marriage for more years than not, and I just don’t have the words to thank Nic, Adam, Simon and Louise enough for all the support and unconditional love that they have given me, especially in 2013 when things looked decidedly dodgy. And that goes for our friends and family, too!
So, to celebrate the matrimonial occasion, we (Nic and I) decided that a few nights away in a posh hotel was required. The necessary establishment was duly identified as The Lewinnick Lodge Hotel, Pentire, Newquay (other hotels in Cornwall are available). We were due to commence our stay on Monday, but we could not book in to the hotel until after lunch. That being the case, Nic decided to treat me to a day trip to St Ives, because I have never been there, and then we would go on to the hotel for the evening. On advice from Nic’s brother and sister-in-law, we decided to avoid trying to park in St Ives because apparently you can’t, and instead treat ourselves to the beautiful scenic train journey from St Erth, via Lelant Saltings, Lelant and Carbis Bay to St Ives. For those of you not from Southwest England, I promise that I am not making up the place names. It’s Cornwall. On further advice from my Brother-in-law, we decided not to go to St Erth to get the train, it is busy there because it is (unbelievably) on the mainline to London. Instead, we went to one of the ‘Halts’ on the line, which rejoices under the name “Lelant Saltings”. To get to Lelant Saltings you drive through a residential housing estate, down an unmade track to a park and ride car park. At the far end of the car park is the path that winds through the undergrowth up to the platform of Lelant Saltings. Standing on the platform I could see where the name “Saltings” came from, the view was of the top end of an estuary, with mud/salt flats all around, it obviously being low tide.
A picture is worth a thousand words. Note the wording on the sign.
So we arrived in plenty of time for the 12:18 train from Lelant Saltings to St Ives. Whilst I was standing on the platform admiring the mud I remembered that I had left my sunglasses in the car, and went back to get them. As I walked back towards the car a man walking his dog appeared, apparently from nowhere. From his mode of dress he was clearly a local, you don’t get trousers like that ‘up country’. “Are you waiting for a train?” he asked.
I think that it may have been this chap’s brother walking the dog.
I was very tempted to say “What do you think, Einstein?” but there was obviously a reason for his enquiry, so I paused before responding. And as I did so I was immediately reminded of the Cornish comedian “Jethro”, who was very popular (well, in this part of the world anyway) in the 1980’s and ’90’s. For those not familiar with Jethro, his style was to tell long “shaggy dog” stories, with lots of Cornish references, that usually ended up with a great punch line. One of his best is about “[The] train don’t stop Camborne, Wednesdays”. If you want to learn more, search YouTube for ‘Jethro Camborne’.
Cautious that the dog walker may well be a ‘Jethro’ fan lying in wait for unsuspecting tourists, waiting to trot out the well used punchline re: trains and Camborne – “Err, yes, why?” was my moderated response.
“Because trains haven’t stopped here for months” he explained, as if to a dull child, and pointed at a broken, dislodged sign by the overgrown bushes and brambles alongside the path to the platform, stating “Station closed”. Whoever painted that sign was an eternal optimist, the ‘Station’ was a ramshackle boarded up hut in the undergrowth that I had assumed was a disused changing pavillion for the nearby football pitch. Kings Cross it was not.
Lelant Saltings “Station” in better times.
The dog walker was very helpful – “If you hurry you might catch the train where it starts, at St Erth” he volunteered. I thanked him and returned to the platform to try to explain the vagaries of Cornish train timetables to Nic . As I did so I heard him call reassuringly “You are not the first, and you won’t be the last”.
So we did hurry to get the train from St Erth station, and it was very busy there, and we did have to use the overflow car-park, and we did miss the 12:16 (Lelant Saltings being 2 minutes down the line). The next train was due in thirty minutes.
We sought help from the GWR (Great Western Railway – sometimes referred to as God’s Wonderful Railway) staff at St Erth. We explained that we had bought on-line tickets from ‘The Train Line’ for the journey from Lelant Saltings to St Ives. The GWR employee we engaged with (who was clearly a Jethro fan) said “But the train don’t stop Lelant Saltings – why did you buy those tickets?” With tremendous patience we explained that we did not know that the train don’t stop Lelant Saltings when we were sold the tickets by The Train Line. He said “The Train Line? – what did you expect? – train don’t stop Lelant Saltings!”
Having now thoroughly established that the ‘train don’t stop Lelant Saltings’, we enquired if we could still use our tickets – that we had bought in good faith, from this station. He said he did not know, but to ask in the ticket office.
We went to the ticket office. It was closed.
Nic and I would like to extend our eternal thanks to a lady called Angela Prescott, who probably saved our sanity. She certainly saved the day. Angela is the Head of Safety for GWR. Obviously an important and intelligent lady. She was on the platform waiting for the mainline train (which does stop St Erth, Mondays) and overheard us discussing what to do next. She asked what our problem was, identified herself, gave us her business card, told us to go to St Ives anyway and stated “Any problems, get them to ring me”. We needed no second bidding.
We caught the next train, it didn’t stop at Lelant Saltings, we had no problem with the tickets and we had a lovely lunch in St Ives, in the sunshine.
On the return journey we saw two people stood on the platform at Lelant Saltings. I didn’t have enough time to open the window and explain…we just zoomed past, with their confused and angry faces disappearing down the line, like a modern day version of ‘The Railway Children’.
Just remember this – if you want to get to St Ives by train, go to St Erth to catch it, because train don’t stop Lelant Saltings, Monday – or any other day for that matter!
All together now…”Train don’t stop Lelant Saltings”…
Our three days in Cornwall? Wall to wall sunshine, fabulous hotel, great food, and two days spent on the beach in mid-September. It does not get any better than that. Well, not in Cornwall anyway.
See you next week – when I might even mention Parkinson’s.
Shaken Not Stirred 